Am I here, am I really really here, writing? I do so miss solo travel for it seems that only when I am alone do I find the personal emptiness and space to convey my thoughts to page.
I do not like this ‘type’ but have no time to fret or change it. I must grab this moment while I can. Maybe I just have twenty minutes more at most. I am in Gdansk, guest to a retired lawyer who wants to improve her English. It is difficult, I am too much of a free spirit to be moulded by someone else, to be told what to wear, where to go and what to do. I think we are beginning to fray.
Her generosity is too much, I want independence and to pay my way, not to feel as though in a hotel, not allowed to pay for meals or transport or tickets. I don’t want to feel I must be anything other than I am but I feel my guest skills are lacking. I have given up trying to pay, I feel as though I am an insignificant child with few options other than be rude if I want to assert myself but I cannot be rude for I am her guest. I will not play the I’ll pay, no I’ll pay, no I insist, but I insist, game again. I lost every time and have ended up feeling a user but I have stopped trying. But I am still here.
I am counting my days. And nights. Wondering about escape. Escape, as oft times before, I want to escape the restrictions placed on me by being in another’s company, having to be polite, not being free.
Don’t get me wrong. Gdansk overall is an extraordinary experienice and one I so want to commit to paper. But the things I want to do, find scrap yards and track down a number plate, go to flea markets, visit a milk bar, find some modern art or an area where artists work, even go to an archaeological exhibition are frowned upon. These things do not meet the criteria one needs to meet when being shown a city of such momentous importance to its inhabitant. So I go to museums and classical music concerts and tonight will be the opera and tomorrow a Shakespearean play. I am living in the world of another.
I’m unsure why I have not started my ’60 years young’ blog for surely that would be the way to post any and every content.
I am now hungry for writing time, need some down time, to get lost time in my own thoughts and words. My brain is not efficient enough to process the things that I am seeing in my travel unless I commit to page and reflect for myself. I have changed platform, for some time blogger has not worked on my iPad. I went to Italy and made a half hearted attempt to write but it blitzed on me many times. I think I wrote something somewhere, need to go find it and post. I travelled to London for travel writing advice and remember writing too on that day but blogger blitzing my words. It was there that the notion of the 60 years young blog grew. I wonder if there are blogger forums where I might chat and find support. I travelled to the New Forest and Isle of Wight yet have no record of my journeys.
The more I travel the more I want to journey. The more I stay home the more I want to be at home. Right now I want to travel Eastern Europe, to see more and to learn. I think many like me may have an antiquated view in the UK, fixed ideas about what it might have been like to be in the eastern bloc and how things have changed over time. Gdansk is a cultural surprise for me.
I have just said no to accepting Guest to Guest guests in my house for August, it is a non reciprocal house exchange site. They are from Moscow. They could have been useful to me if I am to travel to Russia but our communications were not as good as I wished, as I needed them to be. It is important to trust my gut feelings and this was not good for me.
I also want to take a one way ticket when I travel to Portugal in the autumn, go via Bilbao and travel on into Spain. I have a request from a student for a room for the autumn which would help me travel freely but I cannot accommodate her as a Swiss family have booked my house for a week in October. I wonder if I have any options with her, perhaps we should meet when I am home. Dunno. I have so hated having Lodger’s and they are so easy to find.